Dead, or Alive.

And I choose the latter. Even when I have no control over the matter. Life is precious, invaluable, and can be taken away from you in an instant.. something I have learned the hard way, yesterday.

Secret of Life #1. A Beating Heart.
Why I still have you is beyond my control, and understanding. Physically, I can visually SEE why, but my psyche is blind. Driving back to SLC after visiting home for July 4th weekend, I was behind the wheel, while my older brother, Parker, was asleep and laying down in the passenger seat. Being the stubborn woman that I am, I was determined to figure out how to change the song on the iPod iTouch, but was struggling. Keeping my eyes on the 2x4 piece of electronic metal for too long, I soon felt loose gravel under my tires. I looked up and realized the road was making a turn and I was not following, but heading down a steep embankment toward oncoming traffic. Naturally, I made a hard right turn, resulting in an over correction. Immediately, it lead to my white Saturn turning a 180 with the momentum strong enough to carry us over sideways, rolling 3 times, finally landing upside down on the side of the road, fully braced-buckled in-and dangling by our seatbelts.

My first thoughts turned to my brother, who had been startled to an awake state by my hard over correction and was yelling through the crash. All I could do, with my hands gripped to the steering wheel at the lawfully correct 10-and-2 position, was stare at the shattered windshield lying on the ground with the blood rushing to my head due to the simple rules of gravity. I was frozen. I was shocked. I couldn't catch my breath. I couldn't turn and look at Parker, so I yelled his name and he returned the call. We both realized we were okay, but I was stunned. All I could muster was, "I just wrecked my car."

Almost immediately, bystanders rushed to us yelling, "Is anyone alive?!" Gratefully, and unknowingly why, we were able to respond in the positive. Attempting to brace myself against the ground with my left arm, I unbuckled my seat belt, but my weight hurled me to the floor and came crashing against broken glass, dust and rocks. My Good Samaritans pulled my legs out of the shattered windows and carried me to the side of the road. They laid down my red swimdress, which had blown out of the car, and rested me on top of it. I began to cry. Parker had to be cut out of his seat belt with a pocket knife because the safety restraint wouldn't release. He crawled out through my window due to a completely crushed right side of the car frame (Note: he was asleep, with the car seat reclined, what if he had been sitting upright?). We embraced and I began to cry again. A woman who witnessed the crash said we rolled 4 or 5 times (although ground markings indicate a 3 roll spill), and she did not expect to find anyone alive. Police came. Paramedics came. My parents came. And I cried some more.

My injuries? Tiny scratches on my left arm, a large goose egg on my right knee, and a pounding headache. That's it. My brother? Scratches and debris lodged in wounds that required 7 stitches. That's it. A CT scan and X-Ray later from the ER at St. Luke's in Boise, I was even medically released as 'low risk symptoms in a high-risk environment.' Parker left with some scissors and tweezers to remove the stitches later, and a pat on the back for good measure.

I hopped into the shower that night around midnight, post ER visit, to clean off the dirt and grime, and tame the rat's nest of wind-blown dusty hair. I sat down in the porcelain tub and lost it. My prayers took on a new meaning, expressing such gratitude to Heavenly Father and the powers above, and I began to realize the severity of the situation. What angels were looking out for my brother and me Sunday night at 6 o'clock? Why were we spared when another roll over crash took the lives of a father, two sons and a daughter one state away? Why am I able to walk away from a potentially life-threatening car crash unscathed?

The crash replays over, and over, and over in my mind. And I am told it will for quite some time. I saw a roll over crash in a movie I was watching tonight, and the sensation came flooding back to me. The whirlwind of a hard turn, my eyes squeezed as tight as possible, and feeling the car flip, as the roof caves in on my head as we bounce off the gravel road. I clearly have a mission and purpose for this life. I am still here for a reason. And I owe my brother an all-expense paid shopping trip to replace some shredded personal items. But I know I will never feel completely satisfied in making up a rollover crash to my brother, for endangering his life. It is one thing to place one's self in harms way, but to threaten the life of a brother? A whole different ball game. A whole different set of fear, sadness, and enveloping guilt. Moral of the story: Keep your eyes on the road, say a prayer before you leave, and wear your seatbelt. And keep your purse zipped- I am still cleaning out rubble.